When clients enter treatment—deciding that the negative (although familiar) consequences of their drinking and other drug use outweigh the benefits—they take a leap of faith. In so doing, they express a willingness to believe that things will be better if they can find a new way to live. That’s a big “if.” In truth, we all are quite attached to the way of living we know. The idea of abandoning what is familiar and comforting to become some new version of ourselves is understandably daunting. Yet, in recovery, such change is necessary. The most fundamental change required lies in the realm of relationships.
While in active addiction, a person’s primary relationship has been with a substance. The price of this exclusivity is debilitating isolation. Recovery is a process of learning to accept support from other people. For the newly recovering client, past relationships have undoubtedly been a source of pain; and yet, it is only within relationships that true healing can take place. Listed below are some behaviors conducive to treating this disease of isolation with its most effective antidote: supportive relationship.
Accepting. Perhaps the most vital element of a healing relationship is acceptance. As Gestalt pioneer Arnold R. Beisser says, it is only by accepting a part of ourselves that we can find the footing to change it. In Freedom Institute’s Early Recovery Group, rather than silence the voice of the “inner addict,” we give it space and a chance to be heard. That voice inevitably represents a part of self that is striving to protect the client from pain. With this realization, a client begins to understand and accept that the inner addict’s behavior springs from positive intention, however misguided.
Listening and expressing. Once we acknowledge our inner addict, we can begin to listen for another voice. I frequently ask clients, “When you hear the addict voice, is there a part of you that feels differently?” The judgment of newly recovering people often has been questioned, with good reason. They are asked to be open to suggestion and to give up doing things “their way.” But to function in the world, they must learn to trust themselves, perhaps for the first time. Expressing feelings and listening to others in a supportive environment are therefore central to recovery. Time and again, I have seen a healthy part of clients awaken as they recognize wisdom spoken by a peer, separate sound from self-defeating thoughts, and feel their own internal wisdom emerge.
Cultivating discipline. Addiction is fueled by a desire to avoid feelings and a belief that somehow feelings cannot be withstood. Ideally, healthy parents model feeling management and discipline for their children. Without that childhood experience, people may feel the need to avoid feelings at all costs. In recovery, we learn that feelings come and go. Being able to self-soothe—learning to tolerate feelings rather than needing to escape them—can mean the difference between a tough day and a catastrophic relapse.
Giving and receiving love. M. Scott Peck, M.D. defines love as “the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” The tasks of early recovery certainly require an extension of oneself. Going to an AA meeting for the first time, participating in group therapy, sharing at a meeting, and asking someone for sponsorship all require tremendous effort, especially when one is accustomed to retreating from others. Each of these acts of self-care allows one to experience relationship in small doses.
Building a network. When challenging situations occur, those in recovery do well to have a variety of sources of support. Ideally, they turn to others who understand their particular difficulties. Group members often find it easiest to begin this work by calling one another and then, perhaps, peers from AA. A crucial source of support can come from a Higher Power, defined as anything outside the self that fosters a spiritual connection: a traditional concept of God, the idea of a benevolent universal force, the power of nature, the power of the group. This relationship above all others may fill an inner emptiness.
Recently, a frustrated client posed the question, “When will I stop turning to a drink?” When does addictive behavior cease? The answer lies in cultivating a habit of turning toward relationships—with self, with peers in recovery, with a sponsor, with a therapist, with a Higher Power—for the comfort and support we humans need.
